Lithotripsy & Ballcocks:How Jasper Won the Lottery
by ICMezzo
Summary: Jasper calls on Dr. Edward Cullen, Drain Surgeon, to help him with his leaking hose. Will Edward also fix his broken toilet? An entry for the Slash/Backslash 3.0 contest. Jasper/Edward. Rated M. AH. Comedy/Romance.


**Lithotripsy and Ballcocks: How Jasper won the lottery**

**Author:** ICMezzo  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Edward/Jasper  
><strong>Rating, Disclaimer, and appropriate Warnings:<strong> AH. Comedy/Romance. Rated M.  
>All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without express authorization.<br>**Word Count:** 3,866

_A/N: Jasper calls on Dr. Edward Cullen, Drain Surgeon, to help him with his leaking hose. Will Edward also fix his broken toilet?_

_Thanks to Missyfits and ArcadianMaggie for prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing. You guys are amazing._

* * *

><p>Jasper was enjoying a peaceful summer evening.<p>

He returned home after his workday, during which time he collated things, and occasionally stapled them for flair (nor was he above using the occasional paperclip), and had just settled in for a nice dinner of grilled chicken. (Jasper loved white meat.)

After enjoying the juicy breast (and some broccoli—his mother had taught him to eat his vegetables), he cleaned up and decided to go for a bit of a swim with his dog, Lithotripsy.

(He had always liked the word "Lithotripsy," having heard it when his sister had a gallstone removed. The unusual name proved apropos, incidentally, when the pup showed definite preferences for eating rocks, which often then required veterinary intervention to expel.)

So Jasper headed up to his bedroom, stripped down, and donned his swimming shorts and flip flops before heading into his bathroom to pee. As Lithotripsy was inclined to drink from the toilet at every opportunity (presumably to wash down the rocks), Jasper was careful to shut the lid. He finished before washing up and heading back to his room to gather a towel.

His decision between the softer blue towel and the larger green one was interrupted—rather thoughtlessly—by a howling Lithotripsy.

He hurried to the hallway and found the dog barking frantically at his toilet, whereupon he found the tank overflowing at an alarming rate.

"Motherfucker!"

The typically soft-spoken Jasper cursed as he waded through the inch of water covering his bathroom floor. Reaching the toilet, he took the lid off the tank to peer inside. It proved largely ineffective; however, because the hose that filled the tank with water had come loose and was shooting cold water full blast into the air now that the lid was removed.

In fact, the water sprayed precisely in the right direction to hit Jasper in the face.

It startled him, of course, so he promptly dropped the heavy ceramic lid, which crashed onto the floor with a giant splash and caused Lithotripsy to start running back and forth through the water while barking at the spray shooting out of the hose.

Jasper gathered himself, tried to forget that it was toilet water on his lips, and lunged for the rogue hose. Once he'd gotten control of it, he was unsure what to do, and the streaming water emerging from the end showed no signs of stopping.

He peered at the tank, eventually reaching inside. He jiggled the handle, fussed with a few slimy levers, pulled a little chain, and fondled the ballcock, but all to no avail.

Kneeling down on the floor-turned-lake, he reached behind the toilet for the shut off valve.

It was time to call a professional.

He stood up to wade back out into the hallway, nearly falling over Lithotripsy in the process. She had stopped barking and was happily lapping up the toilet water from the floor.

Jasper sighed and went to find his phone book. At least there would be less for him to clean up later.

He glanced through the telephone listings and tried to decide who to call when one of the smaller ads popped out at him.

_**Dr. Cullen, Drain Surgeon  
><strong>__We boldly go where you've gone before  
><em>_(Available evenings and weekends)_

Jasper thought for a moment, and nodded to himself. He had no clue what was wrong with his misbehaving toilet, but if anyone could figure it out, it would be a drain surgeon. Jasper dialed the number.

Once the nice young woman who answered the call assured him that someone would be over promptly, Jasper hung up and began to clean up the bathroom.

A myriad of towels, a window fan, a near fatal experiment with a hair dryer, and 30 minutes later, Jasper had made very little headway despite his best efforts. He was on his knees wringing out a towel over the bathtub when the doorbell rang, startling him and causing the enthusiastic Lithotripsy to bolt in the direction of the front door, bowling Jasper over in the process. He landed backward on his butt, splashing more water over himself as he did so.

He grunted loudly as his tailbone connected with the hard flooring. "Fuck!"

The doorbell rang again, and Jasper knew he had to answer it. Moaning, he pried himself up off the floor and, rubbing his sore ass, hobbled toward the door.

It rang again.

"Fuck! Coming!" he called, gasping at the pain.

He threw open the door and the most beautiful plumber in the entire world stood on the other side. The plumber was surprisingly young—Jasper guessed maybe a year or two younger than himself. A tool belt sat low on his slender denim-covered hips. His hair was a mess; it couldn't decide what color it was, much less which direction to lie. His jaw was 14 kinds of perfection, and he wore a bright green polo shirt with the company's name on it. The shade only further emphasized the brilliant green eyes that gaped at Jasper.

"My God! How bad is it?"

Jasper blinked, confused until he realized he was still absentmindedly rubbing his right butt cheek. "Huh? Oh, my ass? It's sore. I'm going to feel it tomorrow, that's for sure."

The plumber flushed, his pale face reddening. "No, I... uh... oh. Oh God. That's not what I meant...Oh. Did I interrupt? Oh. This is not good. Should I go? I didn't mean to inquire about your... oh God..."

"Huh?" Jasper asked, brow raised.

"You're um, well, wearing a bathing suit and you're all dripping and everything. I see crazy stuff, but the water isn't usually enough to _swim_ in. And you thought I was asking about your um...oh. Oh God," he trailed off.

Jasper couldn't help but chuckle and watch, amused, as the (rather endearing) man took a few steps backward and pinched his nose, shutting his eyes and taking several deep breaths while muttering something about starting over.

The plumber opened his eyes then, and this time, he stepped forward with a determined look on his face and held out his hand to shake Jasper's. "I'm Dr. Edward Cullen. I'll be your drain surgeon today. Shall we have a look at the problem?"

Jasper nodded, smiling softly at the little speech, and led Edward inside, trying to explain the problem as they went. "The tank overflowed, you know? And so I opened the lid and there's a rubber hose thing in there and it wouldn't stop spraying so I had to turn off the water."

"Got it. Your hose wouldn't stop leaking," Edward nodded, holding Jasper's gaze a beat longer than necessary.

"No, not just leaking," Jasper corrected, showing him into the bathroom. "It was really hard and it just kept coming."

"Right," Edward croaked and stepped inside the small space, opening up the lid to examine inside. "Yes, yes, I see," he murmured to himself as he fished around inside the tank.

Jasper sat on the edge of the tub and studied the man's muscled forearms and rather perfect ass when Edward bent over the back of the toilet for a closer look. His gaydar was telling him that Edward, with his shy stuttering assumptions, perfectly color-coordinated shirt, and manicured nails, might (pretty pretty please with lube on top) be gay.

Edward stood up suddenly. "Where's your service entrance?"

"Excuse me? My entrance?" Jasper was flustered, having been caught in the act of ogling the plumber.

"I need to turn the water off outside."

"Oh. Right." Jasper coughed and led the way to the basement. "I'll show you."

They headed downstairs, Lithotripsy in hot pursuit. (She liked the basement as she was often able to locate at least a few small stones.)

"Do you live with anyone?" Edward asked along the way, watching Jasper carefully.

For all of his blushing and adorable awkwardness, the plumber was rather forward, Jasper decided. "No, actually. I don't," he responded after a moment's hesitation.

"Good," Edward replied with a quirk of his lips.

"Good?"

"Well, I'm turning off the water throughout the house, so I didn't know if there was someone else you might need to warn," Edward explained.

_Oh. Right._ Jasper rolled his eyes at himself.

After shutting off the water, they trooped back to the bathroom and Edward opened his toolbox. He began to fix the faulty valve in the toilet tank, explaining the cause to Jasper who tried to pay attention, but really was simply in an Edward-induced haze.

"...see that well-defined crack right there? Near that leaking hose? Well, that should plunge into that hole there..."

Jasper couldn't for the life of him understand what Edward was talking about, but he knew he desperately wanted to hear Edward talk more about plunging into holes.

"...there's the rod. After the rod, it goes to the rim holes? Right there? It comes through the rim and then..."

The terminology flowed so freely from the plumber's mouth that Jasper decided the man absolutely had to be gay. And judging by the care with which Edward handled his hose, Jasper decided the man might even be attracted to him.

Jasper was so entranced he wasn't even paying attention to the fact that Lithotripsy had stopping drinking from the floor and had started nosing in Edward's toolbox. (Jasper would later discover she ate—in a rare display of good taste—Edward's nuts, though curiously, was uninterested in the accompanying bolts.)

Instead, Jasper just crept closer and closer to Edward under the guise of learning about his toilet, until he was leaning in so far that their faces were _soveryclose. _Edward smelled absolutely divine (despite his chosen occupation) and Jasper stared at his red lips, pretending to listen to Edward ramble.

"...and then, when the water rises high enough, the ballcock lifts up..."

"Say it again," Jasper said in a low voice (without any sort of permission from his brain).

"What?" Edward asked softly, his eyes growing wide. Jasper swore they darted down to his own mouth.

"Again," Jasper whispered.

Edward bit his lip. "The ballcock lifts..."

Jasper groaned. "Again."

"Ballcock."

"Fuck," Jasper said as they stared at each other. Jasper watched as Edward's eyes darkened.

Edward's voice was breathy as he finally broke the silence. "Your pipe is leaking."

Jasper stepped back to look down at his bathing suit. (How on earth could Edward tell?)

Edward chuckled. "No, I meant...I have to fix...don't you need me to fix?"

"Later," Jasper growled, as Lithotripsy chose that moment to bump Jasper from behind, pushing him forward until he was flush against the plumber.

"Can...May I...Does that mean that I could...Would you mind terribly if... might I kiss you?"

"Yes. God, yes." Jasper tilted his head and leaned in slowly, savoring the anticipation, until, at the last possible second, he remembered something very, very important. "Shit. We shouldn't do this."

"Why?" Edward looked positively crestfallen.

"Because I drank toilet water and you had your hands in my tank," Jasper pointed out.

"How did you...When...Why, exactly?"

"Does it matter?" Jasper frowned. "Wait! I have an idea! I'll just brush my teeth and you can wash up first," he suggested.

"Can't," Edward shook his head. "No water."

"Damn." Jasper stepped back, sloshing through the water on the floor. He looked down and for the briefest moment considered using the water at his feet. (After all, Lithotripsy drank it all the time.)

"I wonder...I do have some milk in the fridge. Do you think it's possible to brush with milk?"

Edward cringed.

The boys were silent as they studied each other. "You know, toilet water is actually quite clean," Edward said after a moment.

Jasper weighed his options. (Edward the plumber was really hot.) "How clean?"

Edward paused. "Probably not clean enough," he admitted.

They stared at each other as Lithotripsy wove in and out between their legs.

Then Jasper had an idea—an absolutely brilliant idea. An idea to surpass all other ideas that had ever been had. (Ever.)

"Mouthwash!"

"Perfect!"

Jasper reached into the medicine cabinet, happy to find an almost full bottle. There was more than enough for a good gargle, so he swished it around trying not to choke under the pressure of Edward's gaze on his throat.

When he finished, he wiped his mouth on his arm and looked back at Edward who was holding his hands out awkwardly in front of him, squinting at the bottle of mouthwash on the counter.

"There's alcohol in that stuff, right?" Edward asked.

"Yup."

"Do you think it would clean my hands...?"

"I do," Jasper nodded.

"Should I...?"

"As soon as possible."

Edward held his hands out over the sink. "I need you..."

Jasper started to pour the rest of the contents of the bottle over Edward's hands.

"Slow, please," Edward hissed. "It kinda burns."

Jasper massaged Edward's lower back, comforting him. "Relax. You'll see. It'll be worth the pain." (It always was.)

Despite his manly tool belt, the plumber whimpered softly in response as he finished scrubbing his hands in the Listerine (another fantastic name for a pet, Jasper thought), at which point Jasper handed him a towel to dry off.

Edward handed it back.

Jasper hung it up.

They looked at each other awkwardly.

It was...painful.

Fuck.

After all that, the moment was gone. Completely, totally, absolutely gone. (Gone with a capital G.)

Absently, Edward licked his lips.

Aaaaaaand the moment was back. Jasper threw himself at Edward so the plumber was forced against the bathroom wall. Jasper pinned Edward's sterilized hands up over his head and planted his minty fresh lips on Edward's.

"Fuck," Edward gasped.

"I know," Jasper breathed.

"No," Edward said, pushing away from the wall and rubbing his lower back. "The towel rack. Ow. That hurt."

Jasper started to apologize, but Edward cut him off with another kiss, this time forcing Jasper backward until he was against the bathroom door, which banged repeatedly into the wall in response to their movements. It wasn't terribly romantic, but then, neither was the giant puddle they were standing in. Or their close proximity to a toilet plunger. Or the sloppy slurping sounds of Lithotripsy drinking from the bathroom floor.

Jasper never noticed. He simply groaned and his knees nearly buckled when the plumber repeatedly plunged his tongue into Jasper's mouth like it was his job. He tasted impossibly good. (Compared to Listerine, almost anything did.)

Jasper grabbed Edward's waist and pulled him closer. He was hard against Jasper's thigh.

Edward ran his other hand along Jasper's bare chest. "I wanted to do that since you opened your front door," he confessed.

Jasper ground his hips against Edward's and kissed him thoroughly.

"I think...we should... take... this elsewhere," Jasper finally found the words, grabbing Edward and dragging him into his bedroom. He led him to the bed, and then pounced on him. Then he peeled off Edward's shirt and Edward kicked off his shoes and socks (but left his tool belt on at Jasper's insistence) while their mouths and tongues, hot and wet, hungrily sought each other's.

They rolled and rutted until Jasper glistened with sweat instead of toilet water.

The heat and scent and taste of Edward's skin drove Jasper wild until he decided he couldn't wait a single second longer to take the man's length in his mouth. He palmed Edward through his jeans. "May I?"

When the man eagerly gasped out his approval, Jasper went to work opening Edward's jeans and freeing his (beautiful, thick, hard, perfect) cock. Shoving his pants down to Edward's knees (but not the belt—God, not the belt) and making sure he was watching, Jasper began to lick and suck in a carefully calculated effort to bring him the utmost pleasure while playing to Jasper's blowjob strengths. (He'd mentally worked out the perfect head while collating rather large booklets one afternoon at work in between wondering what Lithotripsy was up to and contemplating whether he should look for a new job.)

Jasper was glad for having invested this mental energy, because the blowjob was going rather well, if Edward's panting and soft noises were any indication. He soon learned Edward's favorite touches and customized his tactics in response. The poor plumber didn't have a prayer. (Though he did keep chanting "Oh God, Oh God, Please, Oh God...")

Edward came hard, his abs clenching adorably as he trembled and gasped through his orgasm.

The look in the beautiful plumber's eyes and the way his mouth hung open (tongue peeking out the corner) was hotter than Jasper knew what to do with, so he carefully licked the man clean instead, tucked him back inside his underwear, refastened his pants and made sure the tool belt lay perfectly positioned, low on his hips. He then moved back up on the bed and kissed Edward as he ground into his hip.

Edward took the hint well enough and soon traded places, doing Jasper the favor of pulling off his bathing suit. Jasper shouldn't have been surprised when the man proved to be very skilled at handling his dripping pipe; the plumber had Jasper grunting and fisting his hair in no time.

"Fuck!" Jasper jerked reflexively when Edward licked behind his balls.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you not like that?" Edward asked, alarmed, as Jasper continued to convulse and yelp below him.

"No!" Jasper finally managed to gasp out. "No! It's the dog! Lithotripsy! Get out! She's licking my foot!"

Edward laughed as the dog meandered out of the room, her head drooping sadly.

"I'm really ticklish."

"Clearly." Edward grinned and kissed Jasper before working his way back down his body and taking his length back in his mouth.

"She has good taste," Edward said, blushing, when he paused from his actions some minutes later.

It took Jasper a moment to realize what Edward was talking about, as he'd personally been focused on the gorgeous red lips wrapped around him. But when he did, Jasper realized he loved that the plumber thought he had nice feet (though Jasper realized it was probably just the flip flops he'd been wearing, as he'd purchased them because their cut was complimentary to his toes). And he loved even more than Edward had blushed about it despite the fact that he had had Jasper's cock in his mouth not a moment before.

Jasper realized he had seriously won the plumber lottery.

Edward was too talented for him to think much beyond that, however, and Jasper was swept away by the sensation of the man's tongue, the erotic sight of his lips and dark eyes, and the shameful sounds that he made as he took Jasper in his mouth.

Jasper cried out as he came, Edward swallowing around him, as the waves of his orgasm crashed through his body.

Bliss. Heaven. Perfection.

None of the terms quite summed up Jasper's euphoria as he collapsed back into the covers, but heck if he wouldn't spend much of the following day at work trying to articulate the feeling to his stapler. (It always listened so amicably to Jasper's musings.)

"Fuck," he breathed when he opened his eyes and saw Edward grinning at him. He pulled the plumber into his arms. "That was amazing."

"Thank you," he said proudly.

"Seriously, amazing. Thank _you._" Jasper kissed him again.

Edward blushed. "Don't laugh, but one day when I was bored at work waiting for some caulk to dry, I tried to imagine what the perfect blow job might be like. I worked out the exact timing and number of...well...anyway, what did you think?"

Jasper's mouth fell open.

"What? Too much? Oh God, I shouldn't have told you that. Now you're going to think...Oh God, oh God, oh God." Edward ducked his head and clamped his eyes shut and pinched his nose and mumbled something about starting over yet again.

"Shhh, I love it," Jasper kissed him, grinning all the while. He was about to confess that his own similar musings when Lithotripsy jumped up onto the bed and crashed into Jasper's sore tailbone.

"Oh! Fuck, my ass!" Jasper cried.

"Really?" Edward looked at Jasper in disbelief.

Jasper groaned and rubbed his sore backside. "How 'bout we start with dinner Friday night, and we'll see where it goes from there?"

Edward smiled, his green eyes shining. "Deal. Now, get dressed. I have your leaking hose to deal with and your service entrance to reopen."

"Yesssss," Jasper moaned.

He loved it when Edward talked plumber.


End file.
